Joke of Day

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Dianne goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

"Well, what is it?" he asks.

"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider?"

The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is."

"That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Yo Momma is so fat, when she told me her weight, I thought it was her credit card number!

There was a prostitute on the beach without any arms or legs, and crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs her.

The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.

The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again. He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has not been fucked before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: "Now you're fucked."

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip. He hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place where he can get a pizza.

The concierge tells him he will call for delivery to his room and takes his order.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up. The businessman takes the pizza and starts sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "Just what you ordered -- pepper only."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"

She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

An airbag.

Teacher: "What are you going to be when you get out of school?"

Little Johnny: "An old man!"

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.

Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew. They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route. This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a senior captain ...

"Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions."

"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."

"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."

"British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before?"

"Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop!"

Yo momma is so gassy, she started global warming!

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.