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A facial helps to maintain a healthy image, freeing pores of excess oil and lips of excess cookie crumbs. Brush off the evidence with today's Groupon: for $29, you get a mini spa package at Laser Hair Removal of NY & Electrolysis by Celina in Richmond Hill. The package includes:

• A 30-minute HydroMassage (a $35 value)
• A 30-minute European facial (a $75 value)

The image experts at Laser Hair Removal of NY & Electrolysis by Celina enhance guests' façades through an array of aesthetic services such as the European facial. After composing a cleansing regimen that may include products from Murad and similar lines, therapists refresh façades by hydrating skin and removing leftover eggnog mustaches.

Once mugs are fully mollycoddled, aestheticians lead clients to the HydroMassage unit. Delivering hands-free bodywork, HydroMassage allows patrons to relax fully clothed while waves of water roll beneath a cushy barrier. As the mini tsunamis wash against the body, muscles relinquish tension and become as relaxed as an undefeated tortoise after another winning race.

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Learning how to read is like learning how to ride a bike: without proper instruction, it’s all too easy to end up in a bush. Swiftly study sentences with today’s Groupon: for $129, you get a six-hour Speed Reading 101 class from Speedlearning Institute (a $695 value). Classes are held every Saturday or Sunday from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m., including five hours of class time and one hour for lunch.

Utilized by presidential campaigns, national corporations, and students studying for college-entry exams, Speedlearning Institute’s array of educational techniques aims to boost reading speeds and comprehension abilities by up to 300%. During each six-hour Speed Reading 101 session, instructors divulge the institute’s guiding principles, designed to alleviate common reading snafus and the fear of fast-talking bookshelves. Tutors enlighten students on such subjects as overlining, a speed-enhancing practice that involves directing eyes above words, and subvocalization, the concept of hearing written text mentally, which can impede one’s reading pace. The informative seminar also discloses methods that, like meditating while chanting every name from grandma’s high-school yearbook, can increase concentration and long-term memory skills up to 95%.

All attendees receive an instructional manual and the institute’s own RasterMaster laser pen, a tool designed to expand peripheral vision and bolster at-home speed-reading practice. Geared toward high-school students to help prepare them for standardized tests and college-placement exams, this course also assists students in improving scores on graduate-level exams such as the LSAT or GRE.

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The right amount of wax peeled off with enough force can lift every hair from a patch of skin or every yak from a mountain range. Use leverage with today's Groupon to Thread. Choose between the following options:

• For $20, you get one eyebrow threading and one Brazilian wax (a $48 value).
• For $35, you get two eyebrow threadings and two Brazilian waxes (a $96 value).
  
  

Thread's skilled depilators eradicate unwanted strands from the body using warm wax and the ancient practice of threading. During meticulous threading sessions, a twisted cotton thread lassos each straggling strand above the eye to the cheers of an invisible rodeo audience, leaving arches clean and natural looking. Warm honey wax applied over intimate areas adheres to hairs, uprooting multiple patches at once. The aesthetician never double dips, drawing the clean wax from a disposable cup or brand-new beer stein. Waxed surfaces remain smooth for three to five weeks.

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In the past, photo prints were done with a gigantic Polaroid, but they never developed properly because nobody was big enough to shake the massive canvases. Harness the power of the digital age with today's Groupon for a photo-print reproduction on gallery-wrapped canvas from Picture It On Canvas, including shipping, handling, and tax. Choose from the following options:

• For $39, you get a 16"x20"x1.5" photo-print reproduction on gallery-wrapped canvas (a $110 value, plus $14.95 shipping; a $124.95 total value).
• For $45, you get an 18"x24"x1.5" photo-print reproduction on gallery-wrapped canvas (a $145 value, plus $14.95 shipping; a $159.95 total value).
• For $49, you get a 24"x30"x1.5" photo-print reproduction on gallery-wrapped canvas (a $178 value, plus $14.95 shipping; a $192.95 value).

With a quick, electron-enabled visit to Picture It On Canvas's product descriptions and a photon-carried look at its how-to template, customers can dive into the intersecting worlds of art, interior décor, and science. Snappers select a prize digital or analog photo from their archives and then use the online order form to begin the photomorphosis.

Picture It On Canvas's canvases are made of archival-quality material, which is thicker, more durable, and less likely to get stuffed into a roommate's back pocket and creased than the traditional photo-paper medium. Its thick-bar gallery wrap caresses the 1.5-inch-thick edges of pieces with a snug, canvasy embrace that's suitable for hanging without a frame. Customers can consult the FAQs with questions about canvases or to help determine whether the clouds above their homes are the cumulus variety.

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Unlike sleeping in a hayloft, going out for brunch is an easy way to wake up to the aromas of bacon. Arrange a tasty wake-up call with today’s Groupon: for $22, you get brunch for two at McGarry’s Pub & Restaurant, valid 11 a.m.–4 p.m. on Saturday or Sunday (a $53.90 total value). The brunch includes:

• Two brunch entrees (an $11.95 value each)
• Unlimited mimosas, bloody marys, screwdrivers, Coors Light, coffee, tea, or soft drinks for each diner (a $30 value)

At McGarry’s, grill maestros imbue hearty Irish influences into the brunch menu's smattering of classic American dishes. Two customizable eggs lay the foundation upon which the sprawling Irish breakfast builds an easily penetrable fortress out of irish bacon and sausage, fried tomato, and black and white pudding. Eggs benedict enlists english muffins to hoist poached eggs out from a flood of hollandaise sauce, and McGarry’s burger sheaths 8 ounces of fresh ground beef in swiss cheese and sautéed mushrooms. In addition, an endless stream of beverages carries bites away to where they can never be bullied by forks again. A vibrant crimson exterior welcomes guests to McGarry’s, where hardwood floors and a sleek, glossy wood bar dwell amid multiple high-definition TVs and complimentary WiFi access. On fair-weather days, patrons can make merry in the eatery’s roomy, fenced beer garden, replete with umbrella-shaded tables and petunias that beg for sips of customers' lagers.

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Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?

Because they are tired of using their own.

A girl is driving along the expressway listening to the radio when she hears a song she really, really likes. When the song is over the announcer says the title of the record was, "Hot Lips and Tender Kisses."

When she gets home she's very excited about the new song and decides to call her local music store to see if they have the record. Hurriedly, and excitedly, she dials the store's number. But in her excitement, she unknowingly misdialed and got an auto repair shop instead.

"Hello," the mechanic answers.

"Oh, yes! Do you have Hot Lips and Tender Kisses?" the girl asks.

The mechanic was puzzled, but says, "Well, no, but I've got hot pants and seven inches."

"Oh, is that a record?" she says.

"No," he says, "but it's better than average."

My mother-in-law asked me: "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the chimney?"

I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."

Teacher: "What do we call the outer part of a tree?"

Pupil: "Don't know Miss!"

Teacher: "Bark, silly, bark!"

Pupil: "Woof, woof!"

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

Notable coach Nick Bollettieri was not elected to the International Tennis Hall of Fame, the Bradenton Herald-Tribune reports. Bollettieri whose name is on the IMG Academies in Bradenton, Florida, was nominated in the contributor category along with former men’s circuit administrator Mike Davies and Japan's Eiichi Kawatei, who has been active in all facets of the game.

"I don't question it. It is just the way it is,"  the 80-year-old Bollettieri said.

The official results of the voting has not been released yet. Jennifer Capriati, Yevgeny Kafelnikov, Gustavo Kuerten and three-time Paralympic medalist Randy Snow have been nominated in the Recent Player Category.

WORCESTER, Mass. (AP)—Serena Williams beat Olga Govortsova 7-5, 6-0 on Saturday to give the United States a 2-0 lead over Belarus in the Fed Cup.

Christina McHale won in straight sets in the opening match before Williams put the Americans one win away from advancing in the best-of-five series in World Group II.

Belarus was playing without Australian Open champion and world No. 1 Victoria Azarenka, who was out with a lower back injury.

McHale capitalized by beating Azarenka’s replacement in straight sets, and Williams completed the U.S. sweep.

Williams won the first three games of the match, then struggled a little before holding serve for a 6-5 lead and breaking Govortsova, who double-faulted while already down love-40.

Govortsova seemed to have nothing left for the second set against Williams, who quickly ended it with her overpowering strokes.

McHale posted a 6-0, 6-4 win over Anastasiya Yakimova, who was called upon Saturday morning to play for Azarenka.

Azarenka is eligible to play Sunday, when the teams play two more singles matches and one in doubles. Belarus would need victories in all three in order to win the series.

The winner advances to a playoff round and a shot at the Fed Cup top tier, which the U.S. team was bounced from last year.

Azarenka is scheduled to play Williams in Sunday’s opening match, but her status remained uncertain Saturday.

Williams improved to 5-0 in Fed Cup singles, which she hadn’t played since 2007. She was cheered on courtside by older sister Venus, who is listed on the U.S. doubles team for Sunday in what would be her first match since the opening round of the U.S. Open in August.

Venus Williams has been battling an autoimmune disease that can cause fatigue and joint pain, but hopes to return to competition this weekend.

By the time the doubles match comes Sunday afternoon, the Americans may not need the older Williams sister. Captain Mary Joe Fernandez also could play Venus Williams in he second singles match, but said as of Saturday it was still Serena Williams to play as the top American, followed by McHale and then the doubles team of Venus Williams and Liezel Huber, the world’s No. 1 doubles player.

The Belarus lineup is going to depend on how Azarenka is feeling. She said her back has been bothering her since the Australian Open and the long flight to the United States didn’t help.

McHale won the first 10 games of the opening match, then survived a scare in the second set when Yakimova rallied from 4-0 to tie it. Yakimova didn’t appear ready early, but pushed the young American in the second set before McHale closed it out. She broke Yakimova, then held serve after falling behind love-30.

Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario says in her forthcoming book "Arantxa, Vamos! Memoirs of a struggle, a life and a woman" that her parents stripped her of nearly all of her earnings and that she no longer speaks to them.

"My parents made me suffer a lot,” she is quoted by the magazine La Otra Conica as saying. She says has no relationships with anyone in her family, including her two former pro player brothers, Emilio and Javier. "My parents left me with nothing and now I am indebted to the [IRS} and I will not be quiet," she said.

Four-time Grand Slams champion Sanchez won $16.9 million dollars in prize money in her 17-year career but claims that overall (including endorsements) she took in about $59 million. "Today I am without resources,” said Sanchez, who has just taken over as Spain’s Fed Cup captain.

Sanchez also said that her mother Marisa — who was with her at nearly every tournament throughout her career — was super controlling. "My mother decided on my hair, my clothes ... When I bought something on my own, she rarely liked it," she said.

Sanchez's lawyers are still negotiating with the Spain’s IRS because she did not pay taxes for the years 1989-1993 when she claimed to have lived in the tax haven of Andorra.

 Sanchez also says that her family opposed her marriage to her current husband Jose "Pep" Santacana (she was briefly married once before to the broadcaster Juan Vehils).  — Matt Cronin

  


ZAGREB, Croatia (AP)—Lukas Lacko of Slovakia reached his first ATP final when he ousted 2007 champion Marcos Baghdatis 7-5, 7-6 (3) in the Zagreb Indoors semifinals on Saturday.

Lacko, playing on the main tour since 2007, will face third-seeded Mikhail Youzhny, who is seeking his eighth title in his 18th career final.

Youzhny advanced with a 6-3, 6-4 victory over Michael Berrer of Germany.

Lacko has eliminated three seeded players in Zagreb.

He broke Baghdatis for 6-5, then easily closed the first set. Baghdatis responded aggressively and was two points away from a 5-1 lead in the second, but Lacko recovered to draw even, force a tiebreaker and win it.

“It seems my shape from Australia is still here,” said Lacko, who lost to Rafael Nadal in the third round of the Australian Open. “I played well in Melbourne and I am satisfied with the level of my game here.

“You always hope you will gain a good result, never thinking that you will lose, but still this is a great result.”

Youzhny played well at crucial times against Berrer, who was a finalist here in 2010 and 2011. After winning the first set, Youzhny broke early in the second, but Berrer broke back. Youzhny broke again at 4-4 and went on to complete the victory.

WORCESTER, Mass. (AP)—Christina McHale beat Anastasiya Yakimova 6-0, 6-4 and gave the United States a 1-0 lead over Belarus on Saturday in the first round of the Fed Cup.

Yakimova was a late substitute for top-ranked Victoria Azarenka. The Australian Open champion withdrew earlier the day because of a sore lower back. Azarenka is eligible to play Sunday.

Serena Williams plays Olga Govortsova in Saturday’s second match of this best-of-five series in World Group II.

McHale won the first 10 games, then survived a scare in the second set when Yakimova rallied from 4-0 to tie it. Yakimova didn’t appear ready early, but pushed the young American in the second set before McHale closed it out. She broke Yakimova, then held serve after falling behind love-30 and then winning five straight points.

LONDON (AP)—Wimbledon champion Petra Kvitova took more than two hours to put defending champion the Czech Republic in control of its Fed Cup tie with Germany, while Italy’s Francesca Schiavone surprisingly lost to give Ukraine a boost on Saturday.

The Czechs led 2-0 in Stuttgart, Russia led Spain by the same score in Moscow, Italy and Ukraine were 1-1 in Biella, and Belgium and Serbia were 1-1 in Charleroi.

Germany was without its best player, an injured Andrea Petkovic, but pushed the Czechs hard in both singles.

Iveta Benesova overcame Sabine Lisicki 2-6, 6-4, 6-2, then Kvitova was, twice, two points from losing to Julia Goerges in the second set, but pulled through 3-6, 6-3, 10-8 in 2 hours, 21 minutes.

Goerges, who beat Kvitova in their only previous match, hit some superb service returns and twice broke back in the final set to put the pressure back on the Czech star.

“It was really little difference between us,” said Kvitova, who won her 26th straight indoor match.

She can clinch the Czechs a spot in the semifinals in April by winning the first reverse singles on Sunday against Lisicki.

In Biella, 2010 French Open champion Francesca Schiavone lost a home Fed Cup match on clay for the first time in seven years when she was picked apart by unheralded Lesia Tsurenko from Kiev 6-1, 6-2.

Tsurenko, ranked 110 spots below Schiavone at 121st, dominated with a strong serve and accurate volleys in just her third tie.

She evened the tie after Australian Open quarterfinalist Sara Errani beat Kateryna Bondarenko 6-2, 6-3.

In Moscow, Maria Sharapova and Svetlana Kuznetsova won their opening singles as expected and without trouble.

Sharapova accounted for Silvia Soler-Espinosa 6-2, 6-1 and Kuznetsova put away Carla Suarez Navarro 6-3, 6-1.

Sharapova was nervous because she lost her opening singles of her last tie in Moscow, last year against France. But Soler-Espinosa wasn’t up to taking advantage of it. Sharapova can send Russia into a sixth successive semifinals in Sunday’s first match against Suarez Navarro.

Belgium or Serbia will face the Russia-Spain winner in the semis, and the tie in Charleroi was evenly poised after the first day.

Former world No. 1 Jelena Jankovic first put Serbia in front by saving two set points in a 7-5, 7-5 win over Kirsten Flipkens, then Yanina Wickmayer hit back with 6-4, 6-4 defeat of Bojana Jovanovski, winning the last four games.

The minus-7 C temperature outside the Spiroudome almost overwhelmed the indoor heating, leaving the players and fans shivering. Jankovic joked she might turn out on Sunday in a coat and hat.

WORCESTER, Mass. (AP)—Top-ranked Victoria Azarenka of Belarus has withdrawn from her Fed Cup match against the United States because of a lower back injury.

The Australian Open champion was scheduled to play Christina McHale in Saturday’s opening singles of the second-tier series. She was replaced by Anastasiya Yakimova but remains eligible to play Sunday in the best-of-five competition.

Azarenka says her lower back has been sore since the Australian Open. She says the long flight from Australia didn’t help her back and she has had little time for practice.

Azarenka took the No. 1 ranking after winning her first Grand Slam title last weekend.

"It has been a while and I have been trying to take [the injury] day by day. I had the pain since the Australian Open and was hoping to recover, but did not have enough time with all the flying I did," Azarenka said in a satement. "Unfortunately, it just didn’t happen. It’s disappointing, but health is the most important thing. I am trying to do my best and over the last few days, I have got treatment and not so much practice. It is frustrating to sit out, but what I did in Australia was very physical, so the body needs a little break. We have a great team and the girls are ready to go."

World No. 1 Victoria Azarenka has pulled out of her first match in Fed Cup with a back injury. It is unclear whether she will be able to face Serena Williams on Sunday. . The Australian Open champion was scheduled to play the United States' Christina McHale in Saturday's opening match of  the Fed Cup World Group II tie in Worcester, Mass.

"It has been a while and I have been trying to take [the injury] day by day," Azarenka said in a statement. "I had the pain since the Australian Open and was hoping to recover, but did not have enough time with all the flying I did. Unfortunately, it just didn’t happen. It’s disappointing, but health is the most important thing. I am trying to do my best and over the last few days, I have got treatment and not so much practice. It is frustrating to sit out, but what I did in Australia was very physical, so the body needs a little break. We have a great team and the girls are ready to go."

Azarenka did not cite an injury during her maiden run to a Grand Slam title in Australia, where she beat Kim Clijsters and Maria Sharapova back to back. After winning the title, she flew to Los Angeles and appeared on the "Ellen Show" before heading to Massachusetts.  — Matt Cronin

MONTPELLIER, France (AP)—Defending champion Gael Monfils saved a match point to edge second-seeded Gilles Simon 4-6, 7-6 (4), 6-4 and reach the Open Sud de France final on Saturday.

Monfils will meet top-seeded Tomas Berdych, who beat Philipp Kohlschreiber of Germany 6-3, 6-4.

Simon rallied from a 3-0 deficit in the final set, leveling at 4-4, but he dropped serve again to lose the all-French match.

“It’s not easy to outmaneuver Gilles,” Monfils told Sport Plus television. “I tried to be aggressive. I missed some shots in the beginning but that’s what made a bit of the difference in the end.”

Monfils whipped a forehand winner to break for a 2-1 lead in the first set, but Simon broke back in the sixth game with a backhand return winner.

Simon put Monfils under pressure at 5-4 and took the first set when Monfils sent a forehand into the net.

Monfils saved eight break points in the second set, including a match point at 6-5, to force a tiebreaker. He leveled at one set apiece on a forehand error from Simon.

Monfils will play in his second final this season after reaching the Qatar Open final last month.

Berdych broke Kohlschreiber once in each set and saved all five break points he faced.

The Czech clinched victory when Kohlschreiber netted a backhand.

Berdych will chase his first title since winning the China Open last October.

BIELLA, Italy (AP)—Lesia Tsurenko routed 2010 French Open champion Francesca Schiavone 6-1, 6-2 Saturday, leaving Ukraine tied with Italy after their opening singles matches at the Fed Cup.

Earlier on the indoor red-clay court at the Lauretana Forum, Sara Errani followed her quarterfinal appearance at the Australian Open by beating Kateryna Bondarenko 6-2, 6-3.

Reverse singles and doubles in the first-round, best-of-five series is Sunday.

The 121st-ranked Tsurenko dominated with a big serve and accurate volleys, while Schiavone lacked her usual aggressiveness and fleet footwork.

Errani broke early in each set and was never really challenged by the 89th-ranked Bondarenko. The 34th-ranked Errani usually plays doubles for Italy, but captain Corrado Barazzutti decided to use her in singles because of her results in Australia and Flavia Pennetta’s back injury.

“It’s never easy to open in Fed Cup but it was a good match, very quick. She was hitting really hard,” said Errani. “For me, Fed Cup is the best thing all year.”

Errani was beaten by Petra Kvitova of the Czech Republic in the Australian Open quarters. She also reached the doubles final in Melbourne, pairing with Vinci in a loss to Svetlana Kuznetsova and Vera Zvonareva of Russia.

Italy won the Fed Cup in 2006, 2009 and 2010. But in its previous outing, it played without Schiavone and Pennetta and lost to Russia 5-0 in last year’s semfinals, ending its winning streak of eight series. Italy has won all three of its series with Ukraine.